Letter from the NSA

Dear US Citizen:

Please accept our sincere apologies for the inconveniences and problems the secret monitoring of your phone records, e-mail, GPS coordinates, travel locations, monetary transactions and your Holiday post cards has caused you. Please do not think of this as invading your privacy rather think of it as a three way phone call. We here at the NSA pride our selves on the most devious methods to keep you oblivious to our actions. Over the years our jobs have been completely strained with the new and more evolved whistle blowers it seems as though almost everyone at the NSA wants to violate their confidentiality agreement even though they signed it in clear red Crayola. Though the NSA will not name any names, an Eddy Snow may have leaked out thousands upon thousands of our private information. Please disregard all that he leaked out for those were one of our super top secret methods of testing the morality of our employees. Here at the NSA we require the most ruthless, ill moral, and kitten punching employees possible. The reason for finding such archetypical Americans is quite simple. Who else can spend hours maybe even days sifting through Instagram pictures of food, Facebook posts of how sad you are that Becca likes Bobby, or even the plethora of Twitter hash tags. I mean can you imagine the pain you put us through. I mean screw decoding the identity of the Zodiac killer call in the experts to find out what #YOLO #SWAG #ALLDAYEVRYDAY #APCALC #HAVNOLIFE mean and what Al Qaeda has to do with it. So please America look at it from our point of view thanks to disgruntled employees like eddy snow, now we have to actually pay attention before we get our cut of tax payers money. Also please do not think this is personal and that we are just hatting on certain families based on common stereotypes. Just because your name has more syllables than a certain Mary Poppins song does not mean we look at you any different. In fact for those special few that we do not even want to try pronouncing your name we actually watch you closer to protect you from the evil that is Al Qaeda. At the NSA’s inception we made it our primary goal that rather than just picking out certain groups of people we should just listen in on everyone. That way we all could sleep at night knowing we are not being racially inclined towards any group of people. At the end of the day if you thought this whole time that you were not being watched by the government then you must be more oblivious than we thought. Now that you understand our perspective please do not let a disgruntled employee who ran to the commies hinder our relationship. As a token of our everlasting friendship every American is getting three free months of Showtime or Cinemax. If you have any further questions regarding the purpose of our government agency feel free just to pick up the closest phone and ask. For here at the NSA our customer service motto is you speak we listen.

Sincerely,

NSA